I'm not an old pair of shoes...

Please don't just throw me away...
I know you have her...we have had this conversation...technically I have him
but would it really kill you to talk to me?
I always feel like you feel like your forced to do so...
All I want to know is why?

Uriah I know you need someone to listen...why can't it be me?

50 People 1 Question

If you could wake up anywhere (fictional or not) where would it be?

Neverland

I just want to be somebody...

I'm starting to feel like no matter what I do, I'm always second rate. When I got into education my best friends didn't really care. They also forgot my birthday, I've never forgotten anything important in their lives... I'm beginning to feel like I'm settling when I should be succeeding. I've never had many friends, and I don't know how to keep the ones I have...it seems like the closer we get the further they slip away. I just want to belong...is that too much to ask?

I just want to be somebody...

Update

Ok so still sick as ever, less pain though thanks to Advil overdose...which is causing its own problems...they're joyful.
I will be back at school tomorrow and Wednesday, not Thursday and maybe Friday.
Was granted both required extensions and now I can focus on figuring out my project for Wednesday.

Note to self: Chest Infections...don't get them

costochrondritis

about as fun as it is to spell
basically where my sternum and ribs meet has become infected so my chest wall/pleural membrane has become swollen and is constantly pressing up against my rib cage and thus causing intense pain...oh joy
So next week I have 2 presentations, 2 papers and an exam and I can't sit, stand or lie down this is going to be one hell of a weekend
Oh and the best part is it will last a few weeks...yay with my treatment being take advil until you explode...

Something from Nothing

My Community Heritage Project is going to land me an F in a course...fuck
All I needed was for people to talk to me, for her to let the students know...but of course she wouldn't help me...she always hated me...and now I have to present on nothing because of her......... For the Record:I hate you

Its all your fault...you called me beautiful

I don't know how to face tomorrow...
It's getting way too hard...to be happy



I don't not eat because I don't need to, I do it because I hate what I look like...

I saw satan laughing with delight...

midterms: 3
papers: 4
presentations: 6...ish
finals: 1
jobs: 2-3
hours in a day: not enough

I know its not easy but...

I'm here for you whenever you need...just ask

For anyone that cares...

As of Oct 26th 2009 I am Officialy IN EDUCATION!!!

I still love you but...

you can be a real asshole
and I'm not going to do this anymore
one night...
you'd rather get trashed with assholes you see everyday than have fun with your best friends that you blow off all the time...
figure out your priorities...
I know mine

I just want to fall to pieces...

I hate this goddam rollercoaster
I was happy...I swear
and now...fuck

我站我的魔怪

I still remember every minute if you were in it

You are the reason I am still sitting here today
I'm so sorry...I wish I could fix what I have done
I told you because I needed to...and you deserve to know the truth

Swing with me again...

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry I hurt you and know that it doesn't make things right, but I truly am sorry..

This one is for the boys...

The man who makes me feel happy...
The one I will always still love...
The man who hurt me, and yet I can't get out of my head...
The man who got away...

Why must life be so frustrating
You all mean so much to me, and yet
You all make me feel awful

I regret sleeping with you...
I wish you could smarten up...
I wish it never happened...
Why her...

Held

You held me today
and my hand
and now...
I don't want to let you go
thank you for sitting there
...and for introducing yourself
.....and for telling me how you feel...

" haha :) well you know I was pretty stoked when I saw you sitting at my table :)"

" why is that?"

"Your really cute and once we started talking I found out many more things about you that caught my interest :)"

I like you and I suppose you could like me too, like I want you to...

You make me happier than I have been in a long time
and you don't even know it
Xie Xie, Li Bin Jie

Tears of Clown...

I can't do this anymore
For the first time in a long time I thought about ending it...everything
I don't want to hurt like this anymore
I don't want to hurt myself...but its getting hard to fight this time
and maybe this time I don't want to fight anymore
If a few more scars will fix this...is it worth it?

Can music save your mortal soul?

And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Well I know that you're in love with him
'cause I saw you dancing in the gym
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues

Just because you have her doesn't mean you can't talk to me anymore...does it?

20

The beginning of a new decade...a new era
happy birthday self
enjoy this decade...

I'm sorry...

When you asked how I was doing mentally I could not answer you as honestly or as in depth as I should and that is because just seeing you boosted my mental health 1000 fold. Just talking to you about anything...even if it is your future as a hobo boosts it...because you know how to listen....thank you

Have You Ever Been Low?

I'm not ok
I keep replaying what happened over and over in my head
What you did was Low...
Scar count remains the same
All I have left is to keep my chin up and hope that next week something changes
...anything

It's like rain on your wedding day...

...I think I might have pissed off the one person I respect more than anyone else...shit

It will still be one week till we say we're sorry...

School starts. Work starts (again). Life starts?

Bowling and Ice Cream

...sounds fun doesn't it
I thought so too, too bad no one thought to invite me
no on ever does...

I wish I didn't...

I can no longer say its been months...
2 days
It will soon heal and will become a scar like the rest
...2 days

Keep your head up...

The most valuable advice I have ever been given and yet the hardest for me to follow...at least right now.
I trusted you...
And right now I feel so violated
And so dirty
And like everything is falling apart
How could you?

It's getting harder and harder to breathe...

Decisions are mounding
Responsibilities growing
Mixed emotions
What to do now?
There is a part of me that just wants to go back
And a part of me that wants to stay here
And another part that wants to just move on
How do I make my decision?

GAH why did my dad watch TWILIGHT!!!!!
...all hope is lost

And yet tomorrow is another day

Crash and Burn

I am officially starting to hate Facebook.
I hate seeing people I know planning things with my friends...and yet not me.
Once an outcast, always an outcast I suppose.
Why should I bother putting the effort in...its not like I get anything out of it anyway....
Alone again I suppose
In my own little world
Why can't Neverland exist?

Let's Do The Time Warp Again....

Really want to see the movie again.
Goddam crappy tapper in the show.
Definitely going to rent Rocky Horror soon
...and maybe It too
fulfill my Tim Curry ancient movie obsession lol
I mean DAM what happened

Let's have some fun this beat is sick..

So today I snuck a very special birthday card into his mailbox
...
and it was still there at the end of the day
but I swear he saw it
nothing else explains lunch reaction...does it?
Anyway now its attached to his clipboard
What am I supposed to say to him?
Do I just wait and hope he brings it up?
Fuck
I really wish I planned this out a bit better
I only really got as far as sneaking into work early to drop it off
after that...
none



Random note
Camping was amazing
My poon is too big
I used a chainsaw...awesome!!!
Carried a log at least twice my weight and size
Cut myself in a few random spots thanks to carrying massive trees
and avoided quadding...haha
I know I'm a Quad pussy

Ask many questions like children often do...

It seems weird
Only yesterday you were carrying me inside when I scraped my knee
Or breaking my tricycle
But now you're growing up
We're growing up
You have a real job, a degree and a fiance
And now, your 23
I always thought we would stay kids forever
...Even when you went away for school
Happy Birthday Nick
You've taught me more than I can ever thank you for

Just so you know...

I know I shouldn't love you...but I do

Who'd Ya Think You're Kidding?

He's the Earth and Heaven to You...

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Why don't you understand I'm afraid of you
...and what you've done to me
.....and what you will do

Apparantly I'm a hero cookie...

I don't know why but that made me smile
maybe it's because I like cookies...
or because I like heroes...
or maybe because you guys are the best at bringing me up when I'm down
...even if you don't know it

Cry Baby

If you need me, you know, that I'll always be around if you ever want me...

She stands hard as stone in a world she can't rise above...

Second warning about work today...I didn't do anything
Do they expect me not to talk to my friends at all...
As if there wasn't enough already
Don't take Pan from me
...it truly is all that's left
What did I do that was so wrong?
Why am I the one being singled out?
I didn't start it, I didn't plan anything big, I didn't do anything to admin, and I didn't hurt anyone
And I stopped it
Please leave me
You said so yourself: "at what you do, you are the best"
So why am I the one who's staring down a bleak road?
I count down the days for camp to begin
...if it ends
.....What do I have left?

Last Night, She Said...

I can't dance this dance anymore
You say your sorry, I saw I know...
You want me back, I don't...
I just don't want to hurt anymore...don't you get it?
I asked you to find out why you keep going back...but you won't
It takes time for these scars to heal
And I'm running out

Can't wait till Monday
...it begins

Thank You

Shut Your Playboy Mouth

All these fucking lies...why did I believe you would stop?
Stupid ambiguous answers which just translates into you'll be pissed off at me so I'm not going to say anything...I'm even more pissed this way
I never thought a job could change a person this much...I know I don't change that much from work...at least I never hurt anyone.

Pan may be my mask...but it makes me stronger, what choice do I have...I need the strength more than ever right now...counting down until Pan emerges.
Got yelled at some more for the Ski Club, that's not me, but I felt like I belonged so I went with the flow, and now I'm the one whose ass in on the line.
Fuck
Who can I be if I can't be Pan anymore...

What I wouldn't give to be back in China...what I wouldn't give to walk to the reservoir with you one more time...
My sanity is escaping me...dizzy spells are becoming consistently worse
Uriah can you hear me?

Personality Evaluation...

You are a type 1C person

You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic.

As soon as you think it's getting better...

Things are looking up, he's applying for both CPS and RCMP and now he's looking at a shit promotion that means he works later...wtf.
I knew he wouldn't change...but doesn't mean there isn't a part of me that hoped he could.
I'm a fool.
Smartest thing I did was leave before this...
Whatever happened to temporary solution...I'm losing patience with you now
You blew it
And tomorrow I think I'm going to take the pics down
Fuck you Majestic for ruining his life...

Knocking but no one seems to hear

All I need is someone to listen and there isn't a single person here who will

If he treated me so badly, and tried to break it off before, why do I take all the blame?
Why am I the one sitting here with tears streaming down alone?

I never wanted to hurt him
but I didn't want to be hurt anymore

I've been told to take a new direction, find a new path...
but why is the path I chose hidden behind an iron gate. Just when I think I've found a way in, another bar appears, this one taller than the one before it.

I guess Bowling for Soup is right...sometimes "all you need is an ice cream and a hug"

First Aid

So taking First Aid Re-cert a year early was the best idea of my life!
The First Aid lady we had was great and she taught us things we never learned before and made it so much fun...
Our test we took in pairs...thank you badger we did awesome!
After splints, bandages of varying sizes, fake epi-pens, inhalers and an AED we are all fully certified...again for some
It was great only a few hours and I got a card which is awesome being my last one disappeared with my wallet...
Anyhow I am now at the highest level of certification, and yes I can even assist in the delivery of a child...you never know how useful that can be

Uriah

?: Stabilo Boss

Well I know
We know
Yeah that you are here for me
You see
All the
The things I do to be
The one who sees
You in your bed

Sometimes I wake
Up and I can't see a thing
I'm left in the dark alone
But then I hear the sweet words in my dreams
Are left inside of my head

I know we're all like each other
Yeah, you're like me too
So I cross my heart and hope you cry
But it only matters if I do

Help me
Help me
Yeah, to see the things I do
I'm not right and
I'm made as pure as the God who created you
And placed you with me

My heart
has been
Tryin' to speak to you for years
I've held back because
I've never talked to an angel
But I see one when I look in your eyes

I know you're not trying in your actions
Yeah you're just being you
So, God help me if I'm wrong but
I love all the things you do

You do now
So take
Take me into your arms
Let me hold
Your hand
Can you feel me
Lost in your heart
Take to the sky
Spread your whole wings
Come along
Yeah, with you I can fly
Can you hear me
I know I need to cry

And I want to give to you
All the things and all the things and all the things
Money cannot buy
Money cannot buy

And I know
We know
Yeah, that you are here for me
You see all the, the things I do to be
The one who sees
Yeah, you in your bed

And I look in your eyes
I look in your eyes
Yeah you bring me you feel me
To see what I see
Now not look up not look down
One and one into the street
Turn to the street

Conflicted

There is a road that forks in the middle of the woods...

Found a New Outlet

Thank you for listening and Thank you for teaching me to live again

Since that day I haven't but if I do...I have found my outlet...I missed it

Lovely

Someone lobbed an assload of dog shit at our house...lovely
Fuck You

Love Shines

This song reminds me of my time in China for many reasons. What is being said is a very universal message regardless of the side note in the title. Love actually is all around us....

Love Shines (A Song For My Daughters About God)
Live

On a crystal clear blue morning
There is a peace that only you can know
It is truth and love and it is always there
Even if you fall down
Even if you fall down
Love shines

Oh, it shines
Like an eternal sun, it shines
Oh, love shines
Like an eternal sun, it shines

Think of gentle Jesus
Think of the Buddha underneath his tree
They taught the world about love and how we all can be
How we can all be free
Open our hearts and see
Love shines

Oh, it shines
Like an eternal sun, it shines
Oh, love shines
Like an eternal sun, it shines
Oh, it shines
Like an eternal sun, love shines

It shines
Like a revolution in your mind
Like a revolution in your mind
Like a revolution in your mind

On a crystal clear blue morning
There is a peace that only you can know
It is truth and love and it is always there
Even if you fall down
Even if you fall down
Love shines

Oh, it shines
Like an eternal sun, it shines
Oh, love shines
Like an eternal sun, it shines
Oh, it shines, baby
Like an eternal sun, love shines

It shines, shines, shines, shines, shines
Love, it shines, shines, shines, shines, shines
Love, it shines, shines, shines, shines, shines
Love shines

Believe

An open ended word for an open ended blog...fitting.
I believe in many things, and many people for that matter
I believe in one love
and my dad
I believe in the power of a single person
and the innocence of children
I believe in fate
and the notion that everything is eventual
I believe in unsung heroes
and a man that is much wiser than his years
I used to believe in girl power and wish chips
but I still believe in shooting stars
and I will always believe in the supernatural
and faeries
I do believe in faeries I do I do